Nothing else mattered, how the hell could it? I wasn’t brushing my teeth, let alone thinking about my future…or other people. Grief is selfish. Even though I knew instantly Luke was at peace, I am still here. Hurting. There were days when food didn’t pass my lips – and the days it did, it would be bowls of cereal.
Maybe law school, maybe medical school. Maybe back to business in New York. Just run away to where no one knows you and everything will be fine. Anything but listening to the seemingly small complaints of people who have no idea what real pain was. My inner monologue is usually ferociously positive -this new found anger, despair & lack of faith in humanity was painful.
And really fucking scary.
What if I get stuck like this?
Needless to say my compassion switch wasn’t merely set to “low”, it had completely broken off & been tossed over a cliff. Grief is a messy, wild beast. Emotions oscillated from one moment to the next. Relating to people socially became impossible.
How can people dance? Laugh? Smile? Be so effing happy?
When I launched this website, I was on top of the world. My months of hard work were finally coming to fruition and I was creating a lifestyle & yoga blog that would make the world a better place. It could help people with stress/anxiety. Teach people to meditate, love themselves more, see all they have to be grateful for in life. My coaching business was going to take off and I felt ready to help entrepreneurs design brands & careers they love.
Then Lukey died. 6 days later. From the highest high to the darkest part of my soul, I plummeted violently in the time it took Dad to speak 2 words.
I was wrecked in an instant. Actually, no. Wrecked isn’t appropriate.
I was annihilated in an instant.
There are no amount of affirmations or meditations that can soften that kind of pain. It has to be felt, with all its intensity.
And it really really hurts.
But I did. I felt it. Every soul crushing moment of it. And now, I understand more than ever, the power & importance of this work. Because of this lifestyle – I didn’t numb out. And now I have more clarity than ever. The more messy & painful we allow life to be, the more beauty & love is possible.
Life is tough my darling, but so are you.
Every morning I hear Luke whispering these words to me. Motivating me not to give up. Pushing me to make him proud.
Little by little the iceberg around my heart began to melt, and the rough edges began to soften. Was that hope?
Luke was going to move to Charleston. He would be my first hire as soon as I had grown my business enough to require help…aka as soon as I could afford him. The goal was by Christmas of this year. So…now…he would be working with me now. Then he could move to Charleston, spend more time in the sun, be around his “favorite”, and be happy.
I hope you’re happy now, Lukey. Wherever you are.
I miss you. Too much.
He isn’t coming. But I made a promise to my mom to keep living & I know that’s what he would want also.
So, this is my post to say I’m not giving up. To say I’m here for you, whatever it is you’re going through.
I get it. And I don’t judge…because I’ve probably been exactly where you are now.
My compassion is back and I’m not as scary as I was a few months ago. And I have all kinds of wonderful tools to share with you. Tools of the trade that brought me back to life through my darkest days.
Life is messy and beautiful and painful and euphoric.
And I want to share mine with you.