Off The Mat

Off The Mat

A Transformative Experience Of Mind, Body, and Soul

Off The Mat is a 4 Month Program that’s designed to help you apply the practical wisdom of yoga to your modern life.

 

This program is designed for every level of yogi, who is ready to take their practice outside the studio and into a life of empowerment, beauty, and grace.

  • Have you tasted the magic of yoga in the studio and crave more?
  • Are you ready to live purposefully aligned with your core values and personal mission?
  • Do you need tools to help you navigate when life goes off course?
  • Are you sick and tired of your self sabotaging behavior and self limiting beliefs?
  • Do you want support and encouragement on the way to realizing your biggest dreams?

 

 

It would be impossible for me to adequately express how the practice of yoga has changed, shaped, and saved me. The benefits of deeper exploration are limitless.

I’m ready ! Count me in!

 

 

 

During this course you will:

  • Study the 8 limb path of yoga and how it practically applies to your day to day life
  • Use the wisdom of yoga to enhance your creativity, connection and grace
  • Learn to be compassionate while maintaining your boundaries
  • Build a home yoga practice tailored to your individual needs
  • Create a diet and exercise routine that leaves you energized and balanced
  • Begin and/or develop your meditation practice.
  • Clearly define your Core Values (imperative to a life well lived)
  • Audit your daily habits, so you have more energy to do more of what you love

 

 

This Program Includes:

  • 4 Month Group Coaching Program
  • Video Lessons on The 8 Limbs of Yoga (Pre-recorded for you to do on your own time)
  • 4 Genius Guest Mentor Q&A Calls
  • Twice Monthly Group Coaching Calls
  • Connection with an incredible group of women for Accountability/Support
  • A Few Other Lovely Surprises…

 

Investment:

Early Bird Before Aug. 12

$247/month

OR

After Aug. 12

$297/month

 

Sign Up Now!

 

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –Anais Nin

 

 

 

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Off The Mat

Off The Mat

A Transformative Experience Of Mind, Body, and Soul

Off The Mat is a 12-Week Program that’s designed to help you apply the practical wisdom of yoga to your modern life.

 

This program is designed for every level of yogi, who is ready to take their practice outside the studio and into a life of empowerment, beauty, and grace.

  • Have you tasted the magic of yoga in the studio and crave more?
  • Are you ready to live purposefully aligned with your core values and personal mission?
  • Do you need tools to help you navigate when life goes off course?
  • Are you sick and tired of your self sabotaging behavior and self limiting beliefs?
  • Do you want support and encouragement on the way to realizing your biggest dreams?

 

 

It would be impossible for me to adequately express how the practice of yoga has changed, shaped, and saved me. The benefits of deeper exploration are limitless.

I’m ready ! Count me in!

 

 

 

During this course you will:

  • Study the 8 limb path of yoga and how it practically applies to your day to day life
  • Learn to be compassionate while maintaining your boundaries
  • Build a home yoga practice tailored to your individual needs
  • Create a diet and exercise routine that leaves you energized and balanced
  • Begin and/or develop your meditation practice.
  • Clearly define your Core Values (imperative to a life well lived)
  • Audit your daily habits, so you have more energy to do more of what you love

 

 

This Program Includes:

  • 12 Week Group Coaching Program
  • Eight Video Lessons (Pre-recorded for you to do on your own time)
  • 3 Guest Mentor Q&A Calls
  • 3 Group Coaching Calls
  • Private Facebook Group for Support / Accountability
  • A Few Other Lovely Surprises…

 

Investment:

One time payment of $500

OR

Two Payments of $350

 

Sign Up Now!

 

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –Anais Nin

 

 

 

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Secret Garden

Houseplants top my list of all time favorite self care necessities. I grew up covered head to toe in dirt every summer after hours spent rolling around in the garden with my mother. Not much has changed. Of all the places in the world I have seen, there is nothing more beautiful than a Kentucky summer. And nothing more magical than watching meticulous efforts be brought to life in the garden.

It is no secret being in nature is good for your health. But what about those dreary months from November – March?

During the cold months of winter, people tend to bundle up, build a fire, and stay inside. Just as it should be. Days of hibernation are exactly what the human body craves when the thermostat read “16” and the sun says her sweet goodbye at 5PM.  Even though this is the best time of year to snuggle up and hunker down, many of us are far too familiar with the anxiety and stale air of cabin fever.

There is no reason to sacrifice your sanity during hibernation season.  With these indoor plants, you get the best of both worlds: the clean air and liveliness of summer next to a roaring fire.  No hypothermia necessary.

 

No. 1:  Lavender

This ranks the top of my personal list. With the maiden name Lavandula, everything about this flowering plant is feminine and alluring.  Most people have interacted with lavender in some way, whether you have been handed a cool lavender towel at the end of a yoga class or come across her as an essential oil. But if you stop there you miss out on so much of what this plant has to offer.

Lavender is said to:

  • Improve brain function
  • Improve sleep (when kept in bedroom)
  • Restore skin complexion and reduce acne (as an oil)
  • Relieve pain
  • Alleviate headaches
  • Reduce anxiety and emotional stress

When I lived Paris, I discovered many French women keep lavender sachets in their intimates drawer. I highly suggest it. Not only does it create an air of romance, it provides a bouquet of divine scent every morning.

Active girl on the go? Toss a lavender sachet in your gym/yoga bag to keep things smelling fresh.

Best place to keep it: Your bedroom, drawers, gym bag.

 

No. 2 Peace Lilly

The Peace Lilly holds a special place on this list because it boasts NASA’s seal of approval.  During their Clean Air Study in 1989, NASA listed this easy to care for greenery as one of the top 3 air purifying plants. If there is anyone’s opinion I trust about air quality, it’s NASA. The best results were found in Peace Lillies with a mature root system. So the longer you keep the plant, the higher quality air you will have in your home.

Benefits of Peace Lilly:

  • Absorbs carbon monoxide
  • The most efficient at removing airborne Volatile Organic Compounds, including formaldehyde, trichloroethylene and benzene
  • Delivers fresh oxygen
  • Reduces fatigue and anxiety

Best place to keep it: In the Kitchen and laundry room where you use cleaners (laundry detergent, sprays, paint, etc.)

 

No. 3 English Ivy

Whether it curved up the brickw alls or rested atop the kitchen cabinets, English Ivy has, and will always have, a spot in every place I call home. Not only is this plant lush and beautiful, it is refreshingly low maintenance. In fact, there is an English Ivy in my current bathroom that hasn’t been watered in weeks. All it does is absorb the steam from my shower and voila. Happy, beautiful ivy.

 

English Ivy is said to:

 

  • Reduce mold in the home
  • Remove  formaldehyde from the air / Enhance air quality
  • Anti-inflammatory when applied directly to skin (check for allergies before trying!)
  • Act as a natural expectorant – help to relieve congestion
  • Boast high antioxidant activity (research still ongoing)
  • Act as a natural air freshener

Where to keep it: Your bathroom. Ivy thrives in a humid environment and purifies the air to prevent mold. Ivy also pulls many toxins from non green beauty and cleaning products out of the air.

 

Added bonus: everything included in this list is easy to care for and adds to mental and physical health in your home. There is no reason to suffer through the cold months of winter. Bring a bit of the beauty and warmth of summer inside to keep your warm on those dreary days.

Want more of the best self care practices?

Sign up here for a year of free self care rituals!

 

Disclaimer: The Peace Lily and Boston Fern, as with many plants, should not be ingested by humans or animals. Doing so can cause skin irritation, stomach discomfort, and other minor side effects.

 

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Home Is Where The Heart Is…

So…I did this semi-wild thing without telling many people.

I organized my life into labeled boxes and transported it to Kentucky.  Why leave Paradise, you may ask?

Because my beautiful, angel of a mother, and sweet growing nephew need me.  Even if they won’t admit it.  And I need them.  More than ever.

On the way up I realized that for the first time in my life, this move wasn’t a sprint away from any self created monster.  In fact, life in Charleston is about as good as it gets – I have a ridiculously rewarding and lucrative career, hilarious and brilliant friends willing to climb into the trenches (or a bottle of tequila), sunshine 350 days a year, the culinary delights, and those breathtaking sunsets.

I didn’t run from Charleston…I ran TOWARD my family, my heart.  It has only been 3 months since my sister passed away.  A little over a year for my brother. Its still so…fresh.

For months I’ve felt like I didn’t know what to do, to say.  Even the concept of writing felt out of grasp. And for a woman of many, many words, this unexpected side affect proved shocking.  Then, one day, it hit me. Go home, Bethany.  Heal.

Not forever, just for now <3

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Good Morning, 2017

Happy Happy New Year!!!
 
Here’s to hoping you woke up this morning with a huge smile on your face (minor headache or not!)
 
As we finish the Chapter of 2016 and turn the page to the next lines of our story, I am overwhelmed with a magnificent sense of gratitude.  2016 was equally painful and joyful, grotesque and beautiful.  It was an incredible expression of the contradiction of life and all the imperative lessons a full existence has to offer.
 
Here is the thing, we only get one life. One shot. (At a time, anyway) And life is far too precious to be tied into knots worrying about what other people may think, holding back because of the negative voices in our head, or negotiating pieces of ourselves to make other people more comfortable.  
 
The realization I had spent the majority of my life like this was both humbling and freeing.  My guess is that many people live this way  – blinded by the negative feedback of a few angry souls, instead of excited about the limitless possibilities in doing what they love.
 
I was afraid.
 
 Afraid of the ruthless critics both personally & professionally.  At times, this fear proved immobilizing.
 
But then the scariest thing imaginable happened. The closest person in the world to me was stolen.  Stolen.  There are no words to describe this kind of soul shattering pain.  And as nauseating as the experience is, there is also a sense of beauty in it.  To be able to feel so much, to love so deeply, and to keep moving air through my lungs…it truly is a miracle.  I can still hear the subtle voices of my mother and my boyfriend in the background saying, “breathe, baby, breathe” while I grasped violently for air.
 
To be able to feel the full range of human emotion – and to not lose hope – that is the meaning of life.  To feel it all and be ok. To continue to believe in the beauty of humanity.  To keep trusting this crazy, wild world.  To survive.
 
I survived.
 
And I learned (am still learning) how to be free.
 
And I became closer to my family.
 
And I decided to run ruthlessly after my dreams.
 
And I fell in love all over again, with the most amazing man I’ve ever known. 
 
I had a friend tell me who I was seemed black and white from the moment I received the devastating phone call from my father.
 
In many ways she was right.  Life is not black and white.  But the way I saw the world was.
 
All the sudden it became so clear where my priorities were misaligned.
 
Whether or not people would judge the way I lived, if I stayed in on a Friday night,whether people viewed me as quirky or weird, full of shit or intelligent, the likes on Facebook, the number of followers on Instagram, the number on the scale – it all fell away in one quick breath.  It no longer mattered.
 
What did matter was that the people I love felt loved.  That I didn’t numb out, no matter how much it hurt.  And that I learned to take really great care of myself.
 
Some relationships were strengthened, forged in fire.  Others completely dissipated.  Some were put on hold until I became a less scary version of myself.  But it feels amazing to say everything superficial seems to be falling away.
 
I miss my Lukey, I always will.  Mom, and I will always cry on Christmas.  There will always be a gentle ache in my heart. And this is ok.  Because we got to know him, to love him…and now we get to live.
 
More than ever, I believe my life’s purpose is to decipher all of my challenges, heart breaks, and obstacles to show other people how to love deeper, to not be afraid of feeling it all.  So, bring it on, world.  The more challenges I overcome, the more I learn.  The greater my hope for all of us.
 
So here is what I hope for you in 2017:
 
#1  Pursue your passions with reckless abandon.
#2  Allow yourself to love fully.
#3  Go on more adventures.
#4  Make time to call the people you love.
#5  Take precious care of your body, you only get one.
#6 Laugh, really really loud.
#7  Don’t be afraid to be silly or quircky.
#8 Sign Offline.
Uncategorized

3 Easy Ways to Reduce Stress Today

This year has been my craziest and most stressful to date – and if all the “I’m so over you 2016” memes on Instagram are any indication, I am not alone.

I would never wish my particularly hellish year on my worst enemy, if I actually had any enemies (If you are out there, I love you.  Let’s be friends <3).  Stress & heartbreak appears to each of us a different form, but the mental & physical backlash can leave even the strongest people in dire straits.  

Over the past six months, I have received countless emails from beautiful souls who said even though they weren’t going through my particular form of heartbreak, they heard their thoughts & emotions echoed through my words.  We really are in this together.

So, whether it is your high intensity job, that coworker who eats your yogurt every damn day, your adorable partner who leaves the sink piled with filthy dishes, or something heavy like heartbreak and grief, there are steps you can take starting now to ease your emotional load.  And the strategy may be more painless than you think.

No matter how your particular battle against stress materializes, following these straight forward practices is guaranteed to lighten your mental load.

#1:  Make Your Bedroom A Cell Phone Free Zone

Have you ever noticed that everyone seems to be in an intense, passionate love affair with their cell phone?  Holy Moly.  Talk about steamy.

We just can’t get enough. We snuggle up with this tiny little computer until the moment we flip out the lights in bed…followed by an intense make out/catch up session first thing in the morning…before even brushing our teeth!

All while completely disregarding the real live human laying next to us.

Which one looks more fun to you?

coupleinbed

 

Thing is, your bedroom is the most personal, private, and intimate space in your entire life. And this tiny device that connects you to the world has the potential to destroy real intimacy. Not only can it wreck havoc on your love life, research shows that being tuned into the outside world constantly raises your body’s cortisol levels.  Cortisol sounds familiar?  It is that sneaky little hormone tied to stress.  So before you start to battle the aforementioned stressors, you are kickstarting your day with a fresh dose of cortisol!

The solution is easier than it seems. For one week, leave your cellphone charging in your kitchen or living room. Consider it an experiment. If after one week your stress seems to have eased up, turn the experiment into a ritual.  It will only take 21 days for this to be your new normal.

If, like the majority of the world, your iPhone doubles as your alarm – go out and buy yourself an actual alarm clock.  Hate the ticking fluorescent light? Those are a thing of the past.  Treat yourself a beautiful alarm reflective of your style and personality – set a favorite song or soothing tone to greet you in the morning.

This way, you will have to actually think about going to pick up your phone for a snuggle sesh.

 

#2 Craft a Morning Routine You Love

The emphasis of morning ritual is the most valuable advice handed down through generations of women in my family.  For the record, this is a family quite serious about their Lady Bosses.  The lineage highlights lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs, teachers, professionals with big families, even bigger hearts, and an uncanny ability to perfectly shape a mile high meringue.  Great-grandmother was the first female mayor of Kentucky, and she was convinced her ability to do it all and enjoy life could be explained by her mornings in solitude.
She passed this insight down to my Grandmother Ruschell who, for her entire life, would wake up at 4:30 every morning.  Before the sun crossed the horizon, she would savor a cup of coffee (Folgers, bien sûr), finish grading papers, and bask in the glorious beauty of silence.  By the time her house bustled to life with the sounds of children hunting for breakfast and a husband looking for coffee, she was completely blissed out, in a total state of contentment.

She was one of the happiest, most productive women I’ve ever known – and, like her mother, she swore her early morning rituals made her gentle demeanor possible.

Whether your morning launches before 5:00am or after 8:00am, the precious moments after waking set the tone for your entire day.  You’ve already decided to step back from your cell phone, so take it a step further and make it a priority to spend 30 minutes in the morning engaging in activities you absolutely love.  Things that light you up, that feel life-enhancing.

It can be as simple as listening to your favorite album, writing a gratitude list, sneaking a few pages of your book, or sipping a cup of coffee on the porch.

All too often, the habit is to ferociously attack the to-do list while turning our back on the things that make us feel good.  Prioritize self care first so the rest of your day feels less like an attack and more like a dance.

Its simple.  Don’t start with stress and stress won’t come as easy.

 

#3 Take smalls breaks throughout the day

The human body is brilliant.  I am constantly astounded by its abilities.  Think about it, your body accomplishes an endless list of tasks without you giving it a single thought.

Your body is regulated by a complex set of internal systems that monitor every tiny thing you do throughout the day.  Many of these systems work in cycles. You’ve heard of a few – a circadian cycle (for sleep, elimination, energy), the menstrual cycle (for the man hating, ice cream loving monster to come out & play), etc.

There is also another, lesser known cycle. This cycle regulates your ability to focus and work efficiently.  It is an ultradian cycle, or rhythm.  Here is how it works:

Most people are only capable of being productive for 90mins to 2 hours max.  Allow me to Repeat:  Two Hours Max.  Yet, in the mania of a 9-5 world, people constantly deny their natural limitations and end up burnt out, exhausted, and unproductive.  The average American drinks 3.5 9oz. cups of coffee per day in a drastic effort to combat this limitation.

Instead of powering through the day like a freight train, take small 10min breaks throughout the day – not including an hour for lunch.  During this time, refrain from doing anything productive!  No quick texts, no email, no side projects.  Fellow entrepreneurs?  Put down the damn laundry basket.

Give yourself 10mins to just breathe. Do a little yoga, have a glass of water, take a brisk walk. I promise you will go back to your desk feeling refreshed, which will allow to you accomplish more in less time…which gives you more time to play later.  Who doesn’t crave a longer recess?

Try out all of the simple tricks for a week.  Keep it simple, easy, light!

Even though life can be tough – it really is meant to be enjoyed.  And it is completely up to you.

Happy relaxing, loves!

Wellness

Life is tough darling, but so are you.

lifeistoughI need to make a confession. This summer I was ready to walk away from the world of yoga & wellness.  My brother and best friend is gone.  If I couldn’t help him, why bother helping anyone?

Nothing else mattered, how the hell could it?  I wasn’t brushing my teeth, let alone thinking about my future…or other people.  Grief is selfish.  Even though I knew instantly Luke was at peace, I am still here.  Hurting.   There were days when food didn’t pass my lips – and the days it did, it would be bowls of cereal.

Maybe law school, maybe medical school.  Maybe back to business in New York.  Just run away to where no one knows you and everything will be fine.  Anything but listening to the seemingly small complaints of people who have no idea what real pain was.  My inner monologue is usually ferociously positive -this new found anger, despair & lack of faith in humanity was painful.

And really fucking scary.

What if I get stuck like this?

Needless to say my compassion switch wasn’t merely set to “low”, it had completely broken off & been tossed over a cliff.  Grief is a messy, wild beast.  Emotions oscillated from one moment to the next.  Relating to people socially became impossible.

How can people dance?  Laugh?  Smile?  Be so effing happy?

When I launched this website, I was on top of the world.  My months of hard work were finally coming to fruition and I was  creating a lifestyle & yoga blog that would make the world a better place.  It could help people with stress/anxiety.  Teach people to meditate, love themselves more, see all they have to be grateful for in life.  My coaching business was going to take off and I felt ready to help entrepreneurs design brands & careers they love.

Then Lukey died.  6 days later.  From the highest high to the darkest part of my soul, I plummeted violently in the time it took Dad to speak 2 words.

I was wrecked in an instant.  Actually, no.  Wrecked isn’t appropriate.

Annihilated.

I was annihilated in an instant.

There are no amount of affirmations or meditations that can soften that kind of pain.  It has to be felt, with all its intensity.

And it really really hurts.

But I did.  I felt it.  Every soul crushing moment of it.  And now, I understand more than ever, the power & importance of this work.   Because of this lifestyle – I didn’t numb out.  And now I have more clarity than ever.  The more messy & painful we allow life to be, the more beauty & love is possible.

Life is tough my darling, but so are you.

Every morning I hear Luke whispering these words to me.  Motivating me not to give up.  Pushing me to make him proud.

Little by little the iceberg around my heart began to melt, and the rough edges began to soften.  Was that hope?

Luke was going to move to Charleston.  He would be my first hire as soon as I had grown my business enough to require help…aka as soon as I could afford him.  The goal was by Christmas of this year.  So…now…he would be working with me now.  Then he could move to Charleston, spend more time in the sun, be around his “favorite”, and be happy.

I hope you’re happy now, Lukey.  Wherever you are.

I miss you.  Too much.

He isn’t coming.  But I made a promise to my mom to keep living & I know that’s what he would want also.

So, this is my post to say I’m not giving up.  To say I’m here for you, whatever it is you’re going through.

I get it.  And I don’t judge…because I’ve probably been exactly where you are now.

My compassion is back and I’m not as scary as I was a few months ago.  And I have all kinds of wonderful tools to share with you.  Tools of the trade that brought me back to life through my darkest days.

Life is messy and beautiful and painful and euphoric.

And I want to share mine with you.

 

 

 

Personal, Wellness

Rise From The Ashes

Dear Lukey,

I’m really glad people can’t read my thoughts right now.  I have a running dialogue on repeat .  It is a little scary and sounds like a constant loop of the following:

I love you, call me when you can – the last words I spoke to you

He’s dead – Dad, weeping

Mom’s going to die –  My words to Dad & Charlie when I could finally speak

It hurts.  I don’t know how to do this.  This isn’t fair. –  The three nightmarish phrases that have become my mantra.

I need your help.  The pain is overwhelming.  It hurts beyond the physical.  Beyond muscles, tissues, organs, to an indescribable place; is this what it feels like to hurt in your soul?

The pain is irrelevant.  I would gladly suffer through it from now until the end of time if it meant I could see you again.  If I could tell you how wonderful you are, how much I need you, how I can’t do this without you.

Mom’s a mess.  She is strong and stoic on the outside, but her eyes give her away.  She’s different now.  We all are.  But somehow mom is more beautiful than ever, like she has expanded her capacity for love.  She loves you so much.  You should see her in your Fedora.  It’s the cutest damn sight.

She blames herself…even though we know there is nothing anyone could change.  I’m more grateful for Papa Charlie than ever before.

Why didn’t I tell you to come visit on my birthday?  At the time, Friday v. Monday didn’t seem like a big deal.  What a stupid fucking mistake.

I had plans for us.

On Monday, we would go to Lost Dog and you would tell me about your love life.  I would take notes, as usual.  It is so hard to keep it straight.  Where did you find all those amazing women to love you?

You could sleep on the air mattress in my room, or the couch.  The roommies wouldn’t mind.  They love you. Stay as long as you like.  I will even stay up late with you watching that horrible blonde comedian you find so charming.

I’m not teaching now – so we have all day to play at the beach and, later, hunt for the perfect sandwich.  I would go back to teaching this very instant if you promise to come.  This time you’ll know better than to wear thick cotton sweat pants.  I’ll even include Taylor Swift on the playlist.

 Promise.

I met some of your friends I didn’t know at the service.  Mostly kids from MMA.

Can you believe how many people were there?  They flowed through the church through the vestibule and onto the front steps.  Walnut Hill has never been so full.

Do you know how loved you are?

Every one of your friends told me you were always talking about what a bad ass I am & how proud you are of me.  The residual pangs of a sore lower lip serve as a reminder for all the tears held back.  I wanted to show them you were right about me.

But I don’t feel physical pain right now.

One of your friends said I should become a black belt in your honor.  So I’m looking into schools.  Don’t worry, I promise to keep teaching yoga.  I’ll be back as soon as the sight of a yoga mat doesn’t catapult me into a quivering pile on the floor.

Marianne Williamson (a cool spiritual teacher you would secretly like but most likely make fun of) says

“A dark night of the soul is one of the most transformative times

that we go through in our lives.  They are sacred initiations.”

Mostly I just feel tired.

Dad and I are meeting this weekend in St. Petersburg for Father’s Day.  You loved the beach so much, I wish you could have lived there.  Sharon is with him, being a complete champ.

He wants to release your ghost in the Salvador Dali museum – do you remember our first trip?  How fascinated we were?

He blames himself, just like mom.  We all pass the blame like a torch, and even though we understand everyone when they tell us not to; there are moments when it feels impossible to think of anything other than the “what ifs”.  Especially in the middle of the night.

 Someone told me this is part of the grief cycle.

Dad has begun referring to me as his “left eye.” Do you remember a few years ago when his retina detached and he lost the vision in his right eye?  He appreciated the left so much more after that.

Of course you remember, though.  You were so patient with me on the phone when I freaked out about the possibility of him never being happy again. You even made me laugh.

I could really use your voice on the far end of a receiver tonight.  It is lonely and I hear the running dialogue getting louder.  I don’t need much.  Only a nugget of great advice (which you rarely took for yourself) and some dirty joke to induce simultaneous laughing and flinching.

I hear you, you know.  I can hear you now.  You say to me:

“I believe in you.  I’m so proud of you.  Take as much time as you need, Bubbles, but remember how strong you are.  Never forget the time you punched a 6’7″ NBA player to defend a friend.  Mom’s been crying over silliness our whole life and, Dad, well, you know, he always figures things out for himself.”

And then…then you bring up the phoenix…like so many times in the past.

“We’ve been through hell together many times before and we always rise from the ashes, stronger than ever.”

But you aren’t going to rise from the ashes this time.

This time, I feel alone.  And the task seems like a cruel joke without you.

But I HAVE to rise.

For you.  For mom.  For dad.

For myself.

We thought we were so goddamn smart.  We thought we understood the sensation of going up in flames.

We had no idea.

It hurts, Lukey.  It hurts like fucking hell.  And I want it to stop.

I want you back.

Life is dark now – as dark as it has ever been – yet subtle flickers of light remain somewhere deep inside.  I can feel them fueling me – as meditation, medicine, hope.  The pieces of me forming in the ash.

It’s you, isn’t it?  That light?  You want me to be that sweet, bubbly little sister you adored with strength forged in flames.

She’s still inside me somewhere, waiting for the moment to rise.

I can survive this.  I can do this.  I can get through this if you help me.

This mountain is high and steep and treacherous  – it will require resilience and courage.

I know I can conquer it.  I know because you believe in me.

I love you, Lukey.

xoxo,

B

P.S.  I’m getting a Phoenix tattoo.  Mom and Dad approve.

FaceDemons

Uncategorized

Superheroes are, in fact, real.

This isn’t what I wanted my first post to be.

This post is bullshit.

This isn’t something a sister, or father, or mother, or friend should ever have to write.

But this is where I am right now and as much as I want to curse God, the Universe, and everyone in between, that will not bring my brother back.  All my family and friends can do now is love each other deeply, pray as best we can, and be sure to allow Luke to live through us – which means telling the dirtiest jokes we know and living the absolute best life possible.

Teaching seems more important than ever now, but that doesn’t mean I am ready.  My soul needs to heal and my family needs me more than ever.  Although hope, joy, and optimism are in short supply, they are not missing.  We are surrounded by love and comfort.

As my father mentioned, our friends have become sponges – getting as close to us as they possibly can in an attempt to absorb some of the pain.  While I welcome their comfort I also welcome this pain because it is a reflection of how deeply I love my brother.  There is no other person in the world as much like me as him – my big brother, my sidekick – my best friend.

Everything I do from this moment forward is to honor him.  There is a slight chance I have gone completely off my rocker, but I believe he is here guiding me with every breath.  I feel him all around me.

Yesterday I asked him if this was all just so he could spend more time with me.  What an asshole.

For those of you who love him, or those who would love him if given the chance to know him, beneath are my reflections and remembrances from the service.  Signing off for now.

I love you.  And I beg you to keep loving each other – above all else .

L1

Luke was about as unique as a person can be.  His intelligence, determination, and fierce stubbornness were second only to his compassion and empathy.  By day, he was the brilliant attorney – the only indications of his Brazilian ju jitsu lifestyle were the hint of a tattoo he went to precious lengths to cover in the courtroom and the black toe nail polish hidden underneath his leather loafers. 

Regardless of the arena, Luke lived as the ultimate word smith, so much so that many of his epic stories required a glance in a pocket dictionary.

Above all, Luke believed in the potential for greatness in everyone, and had no tolerance for anything less; which is why it means so much to me to know he was my biggest fan.

We were sidekicks from the start.

As can be the way with sibilings, many arguments turned into physical altercations.  I still have no idea how my dad managed to drive the minivan with a full on MMA fight raging in the backseat.  More than once, one of us was condemned to the “way back”.  You know, the miles away third row of the minivan.

One evening, at my mother’s best-friend’s house, a battle ended with Luke’s backside being shoved through the drywall.  This was it.  Mom was going to ground us for life – she might even take away the Nintendo.  How would we survive without Zelda & Bomberman?  We walked downstairs, hand in hand, terrified at the reign of hell fury that would surely fall upon us.

But that’s how it always was – fighting one minute, holding holds the next.  Eternal teammates no matter what.

By the time we were old enough to realize we viewed the world uniquely, we were attending Catholic middle school.  Luke decided we could have our own set of beliefs.  They went a little something like this.  

  1. All women are at least a little crazy.
  2. A spork is the only worthy utensil.
  3. Life is better at the beach.
  4. Great music should always be listened to at full blast.
  5. Everything in life can be explained with the perfect Everclear song.
  6. And Superheroes are, in fact, real.

I know…because he was mine.

Luke was the one with all the strength.

As we grew up our shared set of sacred beliefs began to boil down to 2 fundamental ideas.

Creating happiness while helping others is the ultimate goal.  And although life is full of ups and downs, we will be ok because we have each other.

I do not know how to do this without you, Lukey.  But I do know I will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to make you proud. 

L9

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BETHANY BUBENZER | BETHANY B YOGA LIFESTYLE 2016 | CHARLESTON, SC
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